I used to think that I lived in my own world, a world of no regrets. Lately I’m beginning to realize how many actions in my life I do regret. A letter that should have been written, but never mailed, words or mistakes that begin to build over time and create distances between myself, and those that I love. I miss someone today, someone I dreamt about last night. I miss the laughter, the tears, his voice and most of all a smile he was always afraid to show me. I can never get that time back, and I don’t know that there is really anything I can do, but say I’m sorry. I told him that he had forgotten how to be a friend, but in all honesty–through my own anger I somehow forgot to be one as well. Sometimes I get so caught up in the stuff going on around me that I forget that other people are out there living lives they wish they could change too. It’s a matter of stepping out of myself and seeing life as it truly is. Everyone is making up a larger picture; I’m not the only person involved in this world. So words that I can’t seem to say to him…I’m sorry and I miss you. I loved you and for so long you were my best friend, but now all I can hold are the memories in my heart and hope that someday we can both forgive each other for our careless treatment of something I held so dear, our friendship.
things are picking up and people are finally respecting me again at work everything seems to fall apart at the seams. I’m coming to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try they will never believe in me like they used to. Apparently everyone else in the store can have an off day, but the minute I do I’m in a lot of trouble and halfway out the door.
Breathe, just breathe…it can’t always be this way.
if some people think about what their lives would be like if I weren’t around. Not dead around, but just not there. I’m the type of person that wants to fix everyone’s problems, and to help out however I can, even if it is a cost to me. I do it, not because I want to be a martyr, but because maybe, just maybe they will spread that kindness to someone else that needs it more than they do.
That is not quite how my life works. A lot of the times I feel taken advantage of, and maybe a little invisible until someone needs something. Recently I’ve had several of my friends point out that I’m too good for that. You know what? IT’S TRUE! For whatever reason, I let people walk all over me, hurt me, apologize only for me to allow it to happen again. My heart has been broken far too many times whether from love or from friendship. I fell in love with a man that never truly saw me. He saw what he wanted to in me, but has too many demons to realize how good it could have been. I guess I’m lucky though, I am away from his problems–so maybe he’ll have to fix himself. While my heart was shattered into a million little pieces, slowly but surely I am picking myself up, breathing, and living for each day. What does not kill me makes me stronger, and being with him made me weak and strong.
Life is too short to worry about the what-ifs, it’s time to focus on the blessings. I can’t worry about what selfish people are going to continue to do and say. My life is for my living and not theirs.
This has been an amazing week, and hopefully it is the beginning of many. When I sit back and look at my life I’ve had incredible ups and downs, and I feel as though life is starting to make sense. I used to think my life was horrible and I focused so much on that that I neglected to see the everyday positives. This week alone, one of my closest friends brought her baby into the world–and Miss Mallorie is positively a beauty.
Now my best friend, who moved to FL for her Ph.D. is coming in for the WKU homecoming game. She is definitely a ray of sunshine in my life that I’ve missed desperately. I know that we’ve both been incredibly busy, grad school is totally kicking me in the face, but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
Another plus for this week came in thr form of Charlie Daniels. I got a chance to work security at the concert. Before the show we were all out in the lobby of Van Meter and we sat there in awe as we watched him eat fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. Suddenly I realized…he’s human–he’s not some musical super-god. He rocks, that’s for sure, but the way he interacted with people that is what showed the type of person he really is, and that is phenomenal.
I can’t wait to see what this weekend holds in store, besides the obvious homework that has been neglected thus far.
There are some that say that to truly know yourself you have to know where you’ve come from. It seems like the world is coming full circle and that I am only now getting a glimpse at the true woman that lies beneath the surface. I fear, I love, I need, I hunger for the life that lies in store for me. All I can do is breathe in each moment and try to survive. I look for the inner strength that I’ve inherited from those that have come before me. I search for myself in this struggle and I’m proud of the progress that I have made. God has created this path for me…I long for the journey, the life, the hope and the unconditional love that he offers to me, with arms spread wide. People can ask when did I become so wise, how have I overcome the depression and to be honest…it isn’t something I’ve done, but something that the Lord has done. He has given me all that I need to survive this lifetime. It’s up to me to utilize these blessings in the search for myself.